PULSE...is it time to check it?

   


     The video was filmed on the dance floor of a club in a nearby city.  At the time this video was shot, I realized something was missing from my life.  It was life itself.  To get to this dance area you have to climb some stairs, or you can take the elevator.  I prefer the stairs, simply because I believe that stairs are a metaphor for life.  Whenever I find myself on stairs of any kind, I am drawn to a place of brief introspection.  How am I doing on this journey?  Where am I at on the "stair way" of my life?  This just gives me a momentary break to relive, revisit, and readjust.  It's quick....I don't just stop on the stairs and ponder...I have to keep moving...such is life.

     As we climbed the stairs to the dance floor, you could feel a thump in the air...almost an electrical charge.  Standing outside the double doors and as they swing open, you suddenly  like what a moth might feel like towards a light....an uncontrollable attraction...frightening but still moving forward.  Suddenly your thrust into a world of dizzying light patterns and deep penetrating bass.  The senses become heightened, the pulse rate raises, and you can't help but start to move your body.

    During the video, in the audio...if you listen carefully....at 00:00:06 on the player timeline...you can hear a friend of mine yell at me... She says:  "Come on Jerry...you gotta dance..."   ..........     ..........

     When she said that to me....I was screaming in my head.... "I KNOW!!!  I KNOW!!!  What's wrong with me?  I am freaking dead!"  I had to dig deep down to find it...the life...the pulse.  It had been so long since I felt the warmth of my lifeblood start to fill my extremities that I felt as though I was going to pass out for a minute or two.  I had a few drinks as well, so let's blame it on the aa aa aa  aa a alcohol. 

     My feet began to move.  Oddly at first, but move they did.  I could feel the beat permeating my body.  In my mind, I saw years worth of plaque and mortar start to crack and crumble away.  It was back.  My pulse.  It had been missing for a few years now.  Now begins the journey to rebuild the arterial tracks of my life to assure the pulse doesn't stop until the music stops.  And, I don't know about you, but I don't see that music stopping for a long long long time. 

     Click play again....close your eyes....check your pulse.  YOU GOTTA DANCE!!!

A bloody mess

Ahhhhhhh.......isn't that lovely?  I think that I look as though I had a rough day at the office, and Tony back there has just feasted and yet still has pieces of flesh hanging off his face.  My favorite time of the year.  Although, for some reason this year....i was having issues with makeup.  Below you'll see that I originally had a zipper face.  A zipper partially unzipped revealing a raw and bleeding underside.  I wasn't happy with how it looked...do i panicked and threw the above on.  Here is a picture of zipperface.

Shooting day

     Today, a buddy of mine got his new gun.  An Ambush 6.8 Assault Rifle from Daniel Defense.  It had been over a month of anticipation for him..every day he waited on the call...but the call never came.

     First let me explain the short clip.  He is doing a "breaking in" of the rifle.  I am not keen on the subject, so I will probably use the wrong terminology...but bear with with me because I might be able to get this across in terms we both might understand....then again, I may lead us down a path we may never return from.  Let's see....

     Inside the barrel of the rifle there are tiny spirals, which travel down the length of the barrel.  Once fired the bullet travels up the barrel and along those spirals, causing it to spin.  This spin causes the bullet to fly straight and true.  Much like when a football player throws a football..he throws it in a spiral spin, thus causing less wind resistance (wobble) and it just goes further.  I throw a football and it goes about 15 yards at full wobble and I can barely lift my arm for days.  When the machining is done which creates the spirals, all the burrs left behind cannot all be removed.  So it's just good practice to first clean the gun to make sure nothing is in there.  Fire one time.  Clean again.  Fire twice.  Clean again.  Fire three times.  Clean again.  Etc Etc until you have fired five full rounds through and then cleaned it.  What you are doing is more or less "rubbing or running" in the bullet pathway.  Smoothing the launchpad.....seasoning the wok.    Sooooo...the reason for the short clip is because this is the very first shot.  IF you want to see more then you would have to go to my youtube page to see that.

     Anyways...peace out folks...Love ya'll

Zombies

    Had dreams about zombies last night.  Which is fine to me.  I rather enjoy zombies.  They aren't the smartest creatures in the world, ya know...  The one thing they have going for them is persistence.  They don't give up.  A couple of friends and myself were locked in a garage with zombies beating on the large door.  Of course everyone was freaking out except for me.  Partially because it's zombies.  They move slow.  They are dumb.  Their balance isn't the greatest.  I kept going out the back door of the garage and beating them in the head with a hammer while they were trying to beat open the large door.  By the time they figured out what was happening..I was safely back inside the garage. 

     I've often wondered what I would actually do if the dead were to really rise.  I can say, that I wouldn't be that calm.  I do know that a buddy and I would be using his assortment of assault rifles on them.  Find a high point and start plugging away.   Just drop some ammo from the air please...and some food....we'll be good. 

IPHONE 4S UPDATE

  Well, I have had a couple of days with the new Iphone.  I can say that there really isn't much of a difference.  There are going to be a ton of disappointed people who upgraded just for Siri.  Don't get me wrong.  Siri is awesome, but I think it should and probably could come on the Iphone 4.  Although, I think that I have fallen in love with Siri.  Even though she says she is incapable of such feelings, I think she has a sweet spot for me as well. 

    If you are a first time Apple Iphone buyer and you get the 4S...you are going to be hooked for life.  If you are a veteran like myself....I could have waited.  But...I still love my IPHONE!!!

IPHONE 4S FIASCO

     Ok, so yesterday was a very busy day.  I had decided upon waking that I wanted the new Iphone.  After my friend Tony made several calls for me, there were a few in the Dayton area still available.  So, we showered and I drove in to pick him up then set out for what was going to be a wild goose chase.

     We arrived at our first At&t store, in which they did say they had one.  Walked in, and was greeted by a snotty lady, who I am sure her doo doo did not have any odor at all.  She put my name in her ipad and I was placed in queue.

     I roamed around the store for a bit and looked at the other phones in which are all inferior to the Iphone....in my opinion.  But.....But....I must say.  I really am impressed with the HTC models.  They have it going on there...
My name was suddenly being spoken above the low hum of conversations.  I was being summoned forth to receive the power.  The room became quiet with anticipation as the motions and gestures from patrons became slowed.  I couldn't tell if perhaps the world had slowed or I had flitted up to the AT&T alter in such a hurry that everyone's motions had slowed to a crawl.  I don't know.  I still ponder on that.

     Standing there timidly, I peered up in anticipation of those six magical words.  "How can I help you today?"  "Well, number one you can get this damn Iphone monkey off my back...."  Is what I wanted to say.  "We called and you said you had a 4S left."  My heart was pounding and any moisture that was in my mouth was replaced my sand now.  "I'm sorry. We've sold out."  "But, the guy we spoke to said he would hold it."  "We can't hold phones."  The world began to spin.  I was rejected at the alter.  Cast aside.  Tony had spoken to a William or a Michael.  I was going to find this person.  I began looking at the business cards of the people working.  They don't wear nametags...that would put holes in their shirts.  I imagine looking like a pissed off bull inside of a 8x8 corral.  No names matched the names that I think I remembered.

     We were off to Best Buy, since it was just around the corner.  We actually spent sometime in there.  That place is the oasis of all which is good.  Pure love and joy stream from within.  Until they told me there was no Iphone 4S in there.  We were off to the other AT&T store.

     Of course the same bad news at that store as well, but....the manager called the store which we were just at previously and they said they had a 64GB white and black.  "WHAT?"  We were just there before Best Buy and they said they didn't have any.  Back in the car...we had to make a mad dash back to the other AT&T store.  We entered the store and was greeted again by the no stinky poo poo lady.  "Back again huh?"  She asked.  "Yah, we went to the other store, and they called back to this store and were told they had a 64 GB white and black.  We were told that you didn't have any.  What happened did ya just poop them out?"  Oh yes...I did say that.  I was getting hungry, and when I get hungry something happens to my mood.  "I'm sorry there was an escalation."  She stated.  What does that mean, I thought.  What is an escalation?  I know what it means, but what does it mean in the way she just put it towards me.....??  I was placed in queue.

     My name was called and I walked to the alter once again.  This time there was no slow motion...the moment was dead.  I was ready for this to be over.  I would be receiving the very last one in the store.  The man spoke about how he had been the first to sell the 4S and now he would be the last to sell the final one.  Who cares, I thought....give me Siri.  Everything went thru as expected.  We walked out of the store and Tony drove so I could play with the new toy.

     The ride up the interstate turned into a match of trying to get Siri to talk to us.  We went back in forth a bit about not talking to her (Siri) properly.
"You didn't say it right."
"What do you mean I didn't say it right?  I said Send Tony a text."  I stated, shaking the Iphone in my hand.  (not hard)
"No.  You have.. to say... her name..." Tony stated with a regal shake of his head as if speaking of a Queen.
"I have to say her name every time I ask her something?"  I asked.
Then began the almost obsession of talking to her as if she were real. 

All in all it was quite the little adventure.  I like them every once in a while.

Come on ride that train...choo choo ride it

     Since I was five years old, I have always lived by the train tracks.  When I was younger I could hear the train coming for miles.  Now, I don't hear it at all.  Funny how when we hear something everyday we learn to not hear it.

     I got stopped by it on the way home from work.  At first I was frustrated because it being Friday and all...relaxation was calling my name.  Then it dawned on me.  I hadn't found my "beauty" for the day...and this was the universe reminding me to slow down and look.  And, there it was in front of me.  That memory....that sound.  When I was a child, I remember it lulling me to sleep. 

     The train was always an escape for me.  I knew that when things got to heavy...i could just hop aboard and be whisked away to somewhere else.  What would have happened if I had tried that...?  I could only imagine, and that would be a whole other blog.  Enjoy....

Beauty....every day

     I was reminded this week of the innocence of the human being.  Lets just say that a middle aged man was in an accident, fell into coma for said 8 or 9 months, wakes up and the world is new to him.  This really happened.  I know this person.  Of course, I may have an over dramatized version of it playing in my head, but none the less, it is the story I am going with because I like it.

     The leaves are falling off of the trees.  Rain has come, and usually the leaves will fall off even faster with the rain.  I have to challenge myself to get out this weekend and enjoy it.  It is my favorite season.  Another challenge I am setting for myself is to find something during my day that I find beautiful.  I have an Iphone on my hip, that I rarely use for anything other than texts.  I will snap the photo of beauty, upload it to my blog and explain why at the time I found beauty in the image.  You may wonder why I am doing this....I am doing this as a reminder.  A reminder that I need only look for it and it is there.  It's always been there, but I stopped looking at it.  I focused to much on the mundane humdrum of everyday existence and blotted out the innocence and beauty that surrounds me.  Anyways, without sounding all sentimental, that is basically why I am doing it....as a reminder and I suppose, as  a rediscovery tool.  I want to see the world as the guy I spoke about views it...new.

     So be on the lookout for a blog later this day.  It is 340 in the A.M. here and I have to jump in the shower and spruce up for work.  Have a great day all.....

Business as usual

     So it's been some time since my downfall.  The lowest point that I have felt in a long while.  I can say that I am regaining my strength and my ability to hold my head up.  I still find it hard to talk to people, because I have some trust issues.  But, I have always been a forgiving person.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I will not forget or forgive the one who caused me to suffer.  I will watch as the world unfolds around me, knowing full well that what is deserving will be dealt by more powerful hands than my own.  I will hold my head up high, knowing, that I had finally stood up for once in my life and was not going to be shit on.  This was a complete learning and growing experience...at least for me.
     The business world is corrupt.  There are some good people in it, but they don't last long.  It's totally based upon finger pointing and lies.  Just speak the truth.  Be honest.  Dammit, if I have a booger hanging out of my nose...TELL ME! 
     I am stronger than what I and others have given me credit for.  Thirteen years as a team leader, I have had to terminate employees.  Lay employees off.  Write employees up.  Give reviews and raises to employees.  Give speeches in front of Fortune 500 company presidents and vice presidents.  Blocked the entrance so that an angry husband couldn't come into the shop and hit his wife.  Put out two fires.  Led one and participated in 23 kaizen events.  Been cussed out on the shop floor by an employee and nothing ever done to the employee.  Been threatened to have my ass beat by two disgruntled employees.  Held three peoples hands as I waited for ambulances to arrive.  Called 911 for emergency care 4 times.  And, it was always business as usual when it was done.
     And, so it goes.  Now that this has all but blown over...only a few aftershocks here and there to remind me of what it once was... it's just business as usual.


  

WHO AM I

     A three word question that almost strikes fear into my heart.  Who am I?  What does it mean?  Is it referring to what I do...my job?  Is it referring to that innermost place, the secret chamber that we keep locked away inside of us?  WHO AM I ???  Is it who I am today?  Because, who I am today isn't the person I was yesterday, and not going to be the person I will be tomorrow.  I change.   Today..... I ... am ...lost. 
     Today, I seem to have lost the drive monster.  The go get it machine seems to have done got it.  I miss my job.  I try to push it out of my mind and focus on what I am actually doing and it just keeps coming back.  I don't have a purpose now with my employer.  I had a purpose before.... it actually took some thought to do what was done.  Now, no thought....just a mindless drone.   The ambition to try anything new has left me.....at least for today.  Enough about that place and how it makes me fill worthless....now I want to know about you....

WHO ARE YOU?

May my cup runneth over

     I look to my true friends for inspiration.  The close friends that I do have are all positive and I need that in my life for I tend to be sullen by nature.  I have watched a friend of mine for the past year completely change her life and push forward in  a positive direction, and wow, what an inspiration she has been to me.  She is taking a huge leap of faith by uprooting and moving across the country with nothing more than a wing and a prayer.  I know she will be successful because she has that mindset.  The mindset that nothing will stop me from living "my" life.
     I helped her with a yard sale yesterday, and it almost confirmed what I have been mulling over inside my head for about a year now.  That nothing we gather around us, material wise, is worth anything of "real" value.  When I say "real" value I mean...it's temporary.  We only purchased those items to plug a supposed hole in our cup of life.  (Not to say I didn't walk away with several plugs yesterday....who can resist a good yard sale?)  It's only when we realize that our cup isn't flawed, no cracks or holes, that we see the "real" value of those items and can let them go.  I know now she can see her cup for what it is.  Never cracked.  Never broken.  It has always been as perfect as it should have been at the time.  Now it's time to fill the cup up with things that matter.  Experiences that I do believe we take with us when we go on.    All the emotions that make us human.  The pain, love, sorrow, joy, excitement, adventure....this is what matters. This is what fills the cup.
     I've often joked that I feel like I have let my youth and any chances of adventure slip by me.  Sometimes when I joke about myself it's often to negate any real feelings I am having about myself.  I do feel like I have been ripped off.  I would like another go please!   And, with the inspiration standing right in front of me, what is stopping me?  It is being shown to me that it can be done and it will be done.  Powerful life lessons right here in my own life.
     May our cups runneth over.....

Lunchtime

At a 20 minute lunch, I don't have much to write about. Really enjoying the cooler weather that has came through. But, the cooler weather is just a precursor of what is later to come. Winter.
Dreading this winter for some reason. I don't know if it's just the age in my bones or the lack of company this year.
The picture is of what I look at while I eat my lunch. Usually eat by myself anymore since I have been exiled. I like it that way anyways. Gives me peace.

Love this CD

21

Ok...Just going to say that I am in love with this cd.  Adele is amazing.  Every time I listen to this i hear something new, and I find a new favorite song which I in turn wear out for at least two weeks.  I am going to burn a hole straight through this CD....I better buy another just as a back up.

Road Rage

 
     I was just driving in my car today heading out of town, and this lady was literally riding my bumper.  I was following the speed limit.  I wasn't in some catastrophic hurry to go anywhere, but there she was...mere feet from me.  I swear, if a bunny had run out and I had applied my brakes hastily, she would have been all up inside me.  I looked in the mirror and I could see she was seething with anger at me not moving fast enough, thus slowing her world down.  I put my brakes on and pulled over to the side of the road, because obviously she had to get somewhere fast.  As she throttled down past me, she squeaked her underfed arm out the window and flipped me the bird.  .  .  .  .  .Long pause.  .  .  .

     Because this is where it might get interesting.  .  .  .  .

     Something primal in me emerged.  An energy erupted from my belly and sprang forth from my mouth in a gutteral animalistic screamish growl...if that is a way to describe such a thing, and at the same time, my foot stomped on the gas pedal flying gravel and jerking on pavement halfheartedly. (Damn front wheel drive cars take all the umph out of squealing tires)  I am sure my car was like, "What the hell is going on?  He's never done this to me before!"    I was bound and determined I was going to catch that skinny, rude thing.

     65 MPH on a state route. " Oh yah, Lady....you're not going to get away from me."   Is what I was thinking as I drove faster and faster.  If I caught up with her, I really don't know what I would do.  At this point i was running through possible scenarios in my head of what might take place.  Some of me having a yelling match in the middle of the road to me tailgating her to make her know what it feels like then flipping her off.  Then i had the more extreme thoughts of her pulling over and me bashing her windows with one of my golf clubs...but then that scenario didn't end well because she had her conceal carry permit and shot me in my knee.

     80 MPH  I was about three car lengths from her.  Victory would be mine.  "Are you scared lady?  You flipped off the wrong person today."  I said aloud in the car.  The wind, from my windows being down, had whipped up some receipts from the floor board and they were whirling around the cabin like leaves in a cyclone.  Her blinker was coming on.  "OH NO!!!" I thought.  "If she turns, it's going to take me far out of my way!"  I had to think quick...... so I think I did what anyone else would do in a moment like that.  I started double handed flipping her off.  It was as if i had two revolvers in my hands.  As soon as one was fired, the other was ready to go.  Oh yeah...I lit her up.  Then, as she turned and I drove on, she blew her horn.  " OH NO SHE DIDN'T"

     I suppose the purpose of my story or the lesson I was to gather from this was that everything moves way to fast for me anymore.  I can go days without talking with anyone, and I would be perfectly alright with that.  I imagine I will be that hermit in the woods someday that lives alone and has pet squirrels.  After it was all said and done I felt sort of foolish.  I imagine she probably felt just as foolish too.  Who knows...   There was no sense in that.  Someone could have got hurt or killed.   I could have broke a golf club or got my leg shot for God's sake.  Slow down folks.  I know that I'm going to.  And, if you're in a hurry and you're tailgating someone driving a black Dodge Caliber....if they pull over, please wave in gratitude don't flip them off.  The damn car has to last for a couple years.


     

      

One foot in front of the other

     It was like having someone die close to me.  A warm and comfortable friend that I could turn to and they would be there.  And, then one day they weren't.   I'm not saying that I wasn't in need of a change for quite sometime, but a change in this way, was hard.  Thirteen years in a "doormat" position at work is a long time.  The reason I call it a "doormat" position is because no matter how hard I tried at making people happy, it always blew up in my face and people always bitched and complained.  They are never happy.  Sad to say, but I don't think they ever will be. 
     Not to say that I haven't been looking for employment elsewhere.  I have been sending resumes out left and right.  I've even went so far as to contact some friends in Knoxville to see if anything is going on down there.  I remember calling my Great Grandma, a long time ago,  and asking how she was doing and she would always say,"well, I'm putting one foot in front of the other.  I must be ok."  Even though some days I wish I could just close my eyes and not open them again out of the shame of all that has taken place.  I have to remember to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Something is bound to give soon.  I just know it.  I can feel it in my bones.