Road Rage

 
     I was just driving in my car today heading out of town, and this lady was literally riding my bumper.  I was following the speed limit.  I wasn't in some catastrophic hurry to go anywhere, but there she was...mere feet from me.  I swear, if a bunny had run out and I had applied my brakes hastily, she would have been all up inside me.  I looked in the mirror and I could see she was seething with anger at me not moving fast enough, thus slowing her world down.  I put my brakes on and pulled over to the side of the road, because obviously she had to get somewhere fast.  As she throttled down past me, she squeaked her underfed arm out the window and flipped me the bird.  .  .  .  .  .Long pause.  .  .  .

     Because this is where it might get interesting.  .  .  .  .

     Something primal in me emerged.  An energy erupted from my belly and sprang forth from my mouth in a gutteral animalistic screamish growl...if that is a way to describe such a thing, and at the same time, my foot stomped on the gas pedal flying gravel and jerking on pavement halfheartedly. (Damn front wheel drive cars take all the umph out of squealing tires)  I am sure my car was like, "What the hell is going on?  He's never done this to me before!"    I was bound and determined I was going to catch that skinny, rude thing.

     65 MPH on a state route. " Oh yah, Lady....you're not going to get away from me."   Is what I was thinking as I drove faster and faster.  If I caught up with her, I really don't know what I would do.  At this point i was running through possible scenarios in my head of what might take place.  Some of me having a yelling match in the middle of the road to me tailgating her to make her know what it feels like then flipping her off.  Then i had the more extreme thoughts of her pulling over and me bashing her windows with one of my golf clubs...but then that scenario didn't end well because she had her conceal carry permit and shot me in my knee.

     80 MPH  I was about three car lengths from her.  Victory would be mine.  "Are you scared lady?  You flipped off the wrong person today."  I said aloud in the car.  The wind, from my windows being down, had whipped up some receipts from the floor board and they were whirling around the cabin like leaves in a cyclone.  Her blinker was coming on.  "OH NO!!!" I thought.  "If she turns, it's going to take me far out of my way!"  I had to think quick...... so I think I did what anyone else would do in a moment like that.  I started double handed flipping her off.  It was as if i had two revolvers in my hands.  As soon as one was fired, the other was ready to go.  Oh yeah...I lit her up.  Then, as she turned and I drove on, she blew her horn.  " OH NO SHE DIDN'T"

     I suppose the purpose of my story or the lesson I was to gather from this was that everything moves way to fast for me anymore.  I can go days without talking with anyone, and I would be perfectly alright with that.  I imagine I will be that hermit in the woods someday that lives alone and has pet squirrels.  After it was all said and done I felt sort of foolish.  I imagine she probably felt just as foolish too.  Who knows...   There was no sense in that.  Someone could have got hurt or killed.   I could have broke a golf club or got my leg shot for God's sake.  Slow down folks.  I know that I'm going to.  And, if you're in a hurry and you're tailgating someone driving a black Dodge Caliber....if they pull over, please wave in gratitude don't flip them off.  The damn car has to last for a couple years.