WHO AM I

     A three word question that almost strikes fear into my heart.  Who am I?  What does it mean?  Is it referring to what I do...my job?  Is it referring to that innermost place, the secret chamber that we keep locked away inside of us?  WHO AM I ???  Is it who I am today?  Because, who I am today isn't the person I was yesterday, and not going to be the person I will be tomorrow.  I change.   Today..... I ... am ...lost. 
     Today, I seem to have lost the drive monster.  The go get it machine seems to have done got it.  I miss my job.  I try to push it out of my mind and focus on what I am actually doing and it just keeps coming back.  I don't have a purpose now with my employer.  I had a purpose before.... it actually took some thought to do what was done.  Now, no thought....just a mindless drone.   The ambition to try anything new has left me.....at least for today.  Enough about that place and how it makes me fill worthless....now I want to know about you....

WHO ARE YOU?

May my cup runneth over

     I look to my true friends for inspiration.  The close friends that I do have are all positive and I need that in my life for I tend to be sullen by nature.  I have watched a friend of mine for the past year completely change her life and push forward in  a positive direction, and wow, what an inspiration she has been to me.  She is taking a huge leap of faith by uprooting and moving across the country with nothing more than a wing and a prayer.  I know she will be successful because she has that mindset.  The mindset that nothing will stop me from living "my" life.
     I helped her with a yard sale yesterday, and it almost confirmed what I have been mulling over inside my head for about a year now.  That nothing we gather around us, material wise, is worth anything of "real" value.  When I say "real" value I mean...it's temporary.  We only purchased those items to plug a supposed hole in our cup of life.  (Not to say I didn't walk away with several plugs yesterday....who can resist a good yard sale?)  It's only when we realize that our cup isn't flawed, no cracks or holes, that we see the "real" value of those items and can let them go.  I know now she can see her cup for what it is.  Never cracked.  Never broken.  It has always been as perfect as it should have been at the time.  Now it's time to fill the cup up with things that matter.  Experiences that I do believe we take with us when we go on.    All the emotions that make us human.  The pain, love, sorrow, joy, excitement, adventure....this is what matters. This is what fills the cup.
     I've often joked that I feel like I have let my youth and any chances of adventure slip by me.  Sometimes when I joke about myself it's often to negate any real feelings I am having about myself.  I do feel like I have been ripped off.  I would like another go please!   And, with the inspiration standing right in front of me, what is stopping me?  It is being shown to me that it can be done and it will be done.  Powerful life lessons right here in my own life.
     May our cups runneth over.....

Lunchtime

At a 20 minute lunch, I don't have much to write about. Really enjoying the cooler weather that has came through. But, the cooler weather is just a precursor of what is later to come. Winter.
Dreading this winter for some reason. I don't know if it's just the age in my bones or the lack of company this year.
The picture is of what I look at while I eat my lunch. Usually eat by myself anymore since I have been exiled. I like it that way anyways. Gives me peace.

Love this CD

21

Ok...Just going to say that I am in love with this cd.  Adele is amazing.  Every time I listen to this i hear something new, and I find a new favorite song which I in turn wear out for at least two weeks.  I am going to burn a hole straight through this CD....I better buy another just as a back up.

Road Rage

 
     I was just driving in my car today heading out of town, and this lady was literally riding my bumper.  I was following the speed limit.  I wasn't in some catastrophic hurry to go anywhere, but there she was...mere feet from me.  I swear, if a bunny had run out and I had applied my brakes hastily, she would have been all up inside me.  I looked in the mirror and I could see she was seething with anger at me not moving fast enough, thus slowing her world down.  I put my brakes on and pulled over to the side of the road, because obviously she had to get somewhere fast.  As she throttled down past me, she squeaked her underfed arm out the window and flipped me the bird.  .  .  .  .  .Long pause.  .  .  .

     Because this is where it might get interesting.  .  .  .  .

     Something primal in me emerged.  An energy erupted from my belly and sprang forth from my mouth in a gutteral animalistic screamish growl...if that is a way to describe such a thing, and at the same time, my foot stomped on the gas pedal flying gravel and jerking on pavement halfheartedly. (Damn front wheel drive cars take all the umph out of squealing tires)  I am sure my car was like, "What the hell is going on?  He's never done this to me before!"    I was bound and determined I was going to catch that skinny, rude thing.

     65 MPH on a state route. " Oh yah, Lady....you're not going to get away from me."   Is what I was thinking as I drove faster and faster.  If I caught up with her, I really don't know what I would do.  At this point i was running through possible scenarios in my head of what might take place.  Some of me having a yelling match in the middle of the road to me tailgating her to make her know what it feels like then flipping her off.  Then i had the more extreme thoughts of her pulling over and me bashing her windows with one of my golf clubs...but then that scenario didn't end well because she had her conceal carry permit and shot me in my knee.

     80 MPH  I was about three car lengths from her.  Victory would be mine.  "Are you scared lady?  You flipped off the wrong person today."  I said aloud in the car.  The wind, from my windows being down, had whipped up some receipts from the floor board and they were whirling around the cabin like leaves in a cyclone.  Her blinker was coming on.  "OH NO!!!" I thought.  "If she turns, it's going to take me far out of my way!"  I had to think quick...... so I think I did what anyone else would do in a moment like that.  I started double handed flipping her off.  It was as if i had two revolvers in my hands.  As soon as one was fired, the other was ready to go.  Oh yeah...I lit her up.  Then, as she turned and I drove on, she blew her horn.  " OH NO SHE DIDN'T"

     I suppose the purpose of my story or the lesson I was to gather from this was that everything moves way to fast for me anymore.  I can go days without talking with anyone, and I would be perfectly alright with that.  I imagine I will be that hermit in the woods someday that lives alone and has pet squirrels.  After it was all said and done I felt sort of foolish.  I imagine she probably felt just as foolish too.  Who knows...   There was no sense in that.  Someone could have got hurt or killed.   I could have broke a golf club or got my leg shot for God's sake.  Slow down folks.  I know that I'm going to.  And, if you're in a hurry and you're tailgating someone driving a black Dodge Caliber....if they pull over, please wave in gratitude don't flip them off.  The damn car has to last for a couple years.


     

      

One foot in front of the other

     It was like having someone die close to me.  A warm and comfortable friend that I could turn to and they would be there.  And, then one day they weren't.   I'm not saying that I wasn't in need of a change for quite sometime, but a change in this way, was hard.  Thirteen years in a "doormat" position at work is a long time.  The reason I call it a "doormat" position is because no matter how hard I tried at making people happy, it always blew up in my face and people always bitched and complained.  They are never happy.  Sad to say, but I don't think they ever will be. 
     Not to say that I haven't been looking for employment elsewhere.  I have been sending resumes out left and right.  I've even went so far as to contact some friends in Knoxville to see if anything is going on down there.  I remember calling my Great Grandma, a long time ago,  and asking how she was doing and she would always say,"well, I'm putting one foot in front of the other.  I must be ok."  Even though some days I wish I could just close my eyes and not open them again out of the shame of all that has taken place.  I have to remember to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Something is bound to give soon.  I just know it.  I can feel it in my bones.